Perspective on the "Expat wife"/"Expat Princess" Syndrome

Recently I've heard a few too many comments - both on the blog and while out and about - resentful towards the expat wife lifestyle. Remember that this blog is not only written by an expat wife, but also READ by many. So be prepared that if you want to cut me down on this point, you are also cutting down many of my readers.

As I've said before, while writing about my life in Brazil it is difficult to maintain a tone that is neither boastful nor whiny (obviously depending on the topic). After over 2 years here I can think of few things that are mediocre or average about Brazil. It's black and white - either something rocks or it sucks.

I try to provide some practical information for future/potential expats who are moving to Brazil, as those are the readers I tend to hear from the most. Yes, that often means "shopping" posts.

Making the decision to move overseas and leave all that is familiar behind - family, friends, careers, opportunities, customs, amenities - is a huge decision. In Brazil, it is very difficult for both spouses to work as getting ONE working Visa per household is enough bureaucracy to result in much hair-pulling...  and if you don't have specialized expertize let alone experience in your field - which is otherwise unavailable in Brazil - forget it.

Things for both spouses to consider before making the decision to move abroad include how each spouse will feel about being a single income family. Will the breadwinner be resentful of having to work all day while the trailing spouse does not? How will the trailing spouse feel about lost career opportunities? Is it worth it in the long run? Will the working spouse lose respect for the trailing spouse once they are not working? Will you still find one another interesting? Does it create a marriage where there are "tiers"?

Yes, the lifestyle of an expat wife can be incredibly fun and an adventure, but don't forget that for most of us it also means some sacrifices. As I've mentioned, I socialize with women who left jobs as teachers, nurses, lawyers, finance behind to further their husband's career and have the adventure of living in Brazil. One even worked for NASA, people!

In other words, in most cases these women are incredibly intelligent. They are aware they are not living up to their potential career-wise at the moment. They were also intelligent enough to consider this before coming (regardless of whether or not they regret that decision now). They don't need others reminding them in snarky ways.

For me, I felt a lot of the judgment from people (non-expats) in my life ended once I got pregnant. Then, in their eyes, I had "purpose" again.

The bottom line? People/blog readers/in-laws/friends back home can say what they want and think what they want but for me, what I feel is important and non-negotiable is having the understanding and support of my spouse. Everyone else can say what they want and I don't really care. He appreciates any sacrifices I have made, just as I do those he makes. He does not even comment on how spoiled I have become. Instead, what does he say?

BTW - if you google "Happy Wife Happy Life" you find all sorts of "interesting" sites.... motivational speakers....

Comments

[daniel @ garanhuns]

I will just make an observation and step out of the way in case war breaks out. I have seen many Americans (or ex-pats from other countries) "complain" about things here in Brazil, yet back home get offended when immigrants to the US complain about some bureaucracy there, or about our customs and "the way things are done". That is one aspect that has bothered me about some ex-pats in Brazil.

[Canarioca]

My story is a bit different than what is considered an ex pat. I came to Brazil the first time to do a documentary on Carnaval and never really left.I eventually married a Brazilian. There was no multi national company helping me set up house and home. I had to navigate the bureaucracy and the cultural differences on my own. Pure survival skills. Banking, schools, supermarkets, driving in Rio, and eventually working here(due to permanent visa being married and all)
It takes a special person to be able to live and survive in another country. NOt everyone is cut out to be an ex pat.
If I could give one piece of advice>LEARN THE LOCAL LANGUAGE!Things are different in Brazil. Not better, not worse..just different. Embrace the diversity,learn from it.

When you leave Brazil, it never leaves you. You will suffer from 'saudades' forever!

[Daily Rio Life]

I think Daniel's point is best proven when people repatriate. We have in our heads that inconveniences we encounter here don't exist back home when in fact they do! They are just slightly different, and here the language and sometimes cultural barriers just make things more difficult, as to Lisa's point. The language is KEY.

Being that we did have a lot of assistance in setting up here (though not nearly as much as most of the other expats I know), I sure have a lot of respect for anyone who has set up a life here on their own! NOT EASY! Nor is it easy to do so anywhere, moving and such is always a hassle, but as they say, Brazil is not for beginners.

[Erin]

Good for you Honey! I know we back home are very proud of the step you took. Not everyone can do what you have done, and with as much grace and tenacity. Keep doing what you're doing, I thoroughly enjoy reading your blog every morning!

[Brad]

The definition of someone who jumps into your blog and posts inflammatory comments about how much you suck is "Troll". Anyone who complains about how your content is not for them or disparages you are not fans, they just dropped by to tear you down to make themselves feel better. Pay them no mind, anonymity breeds dickish behaviour. Besides, just like TV, they can just choose not to read it. The rest of us will continue to enjoy your writing.

[daniel @ garanhuns]

In my case, although I was pretty much "on my own" I was fully fluent by the time I made the decision to move here.

I don't know if Brad's comment was directed at me, and I wasn't trolling in any way, just pointing out: At times the expats may complain about parts of culture and society and the way things are done here with an air of superiority especially when it comes to govt. bureaucracy, but are easily offended when some complaint comes from an immigrant to the US about the way life/ things are back in the States (or whatever the home country may be)

[Ben]

Well said, that lady!

[Brad]

No Dan, my comment wasn't directed at you, it was aimed at the type of commenter that triggered this post. Non-constructive, mean, insulting people who pop in just to say how much they hate the blog. Your comment was actually part of the conversation.

[danial]

I've been reading this blog for the last 6-7 months and never commented. But I would like to say this. My wife and I have found the information extremely useful and this is the best blog we have come across. Thank you for the great job you are doing and for taking the time to allow other's to get a better understanding of what to expect (and look forward to) in Rio. I'm sure for every negative comment there must be dozens of readers like me that are very grateful for your blog. We are due to move there in the next few weeks and I'd like to take this opportunity to thank you for the info!

[Anika Gonzalez]

I am chiming in, too. My husband, 2-year old, and I moved to Brazil in January. We were very well prepared for our move due to your blog.

Moving is challenging, period. My family and are still working out the logistics of our move but are becoming more settled.

Grateful for your blog! Thanks.

[ulli]

Hi! My story is different.. I was expat wife for two year in Brazil and unfortunately I didnt liked it. Our financial situation was excellent inspite of me being home but stil. I missed my friends, family and professional career. I gave birth to my beautiful son but could not enjoy it as much I have done in my home country. Of course we have our differencies but for me it was torture.

[LTP]

I have greatly enjoyed your website. I have appreciated your candor and have found your positions to be fair. Culture shock can manifest in statements that over-glorify either the new home or the old, come across as superior or inferior and sometimes just plain wrong. Who doesn't need their ideas updated once in a while! You've done a great job, just look at your piece on the Medical System in Brazil. Keep it up!

[Francesca Maggi]

You may say Wife/Princess but there are a lot more people out there who describe their lives as in gilded cages...
I'm one for going with all the new experiences life can dish out...but, thankfully, we're not all the same!

Francesca Maggi
http://www.upyourbottom.com
Collecting your hilarious foreign language horror stories.

[Resume Writing Service]

I would like to say this is an excellent blog that I have ever come across. Very informative. Please write more so that we can get more details.

[Rachel]

I have to agree with Brad, if they come here to just cut you down... Screw 'em.

You can't really comment on this lifestyle until you live it.

[singh]

Pfft envy is an ugly colour - who the hell is anyone to judge your life. Even if you wanted to be a 'princess'. Anyone that is offended by their perception that you are better off than them is not a friend.

[Daily Rio Life]

Thanks everyone!

[Nina]

I am a young teacher and currently considering to follow my boyfriend - not husband yet! - to Brazil.
Up to now, we've been in a long distance relationship for 2,5 years (Germany - UK) and it's time to find out whether a) we can actually live together and b) I am "cut" to live an expat life at all, as he will probably always go where his career takes him.
It's a huge decision and I feel absolutely torn, as my traineeship as a teacher isn't even completed yet and thus I will most probably not be able to get a job in Brazil.
How to find something for me to do? How to cope with my beloved family and friends being far away? How to not develop an "expat wife syndrome"???
It's really difficult, but your experience and your thoughts are really helpful. Thanks for this blog!